Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Help

If you follow me on Facebook or Twitter you know that over the past week or so I've been meditating on Psalm 121, as I've been sharing excerpts each day.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

Last week was a rough one, but I have found much hope in these words and...even in God's creation. In fact, as I was out in my back yard one day beholding the beauty in the intricate details of this rose bud, I was even more in awe of how He loves me. How He cares about the things I care about. How He hurts when I hurt. I am humbled by this love. This unexplainable, unearned love for me. It's miraculous to me knowing that I can rest assured that His love is there, holding me steady when the earth shifts beneath my feet. When everything else seems to be falling apart, I am held safe and secure in His loving arms.


Sunday morning I was privileged to help lead worship, and one of the songs we did was "Lift My Eyes" by David Crowder Band, the lyrics of which are:

Come let us worship the King (echo)
Come lay Your heart at His feet (echo)
Come let us worship the King (echo)
Come let us bow at His feet (echo)
And I lift my eyes to the hills
My help is coming

And then I led us all in a new song: "I Will Exalt You" (Hillsong)

Verse 1:
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
I will exalt You
You are my God

Chorus:
My hiding place My safe refuge
My treasure Lord You are
My friend and King Anointed One
Most Holy.

Verse 2:
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
Because You’re with me
I will not fear


Coincidence? I think not. I just love how God ministers so personally to us in our times of need, even as He is ministering to others in totally different ways--but at the very same moment. And I cannot even begin to tell you how my spirit was moved as I sang these words!


Did life get easier/better after my special worship time at church Sunday? Well, no. As a matter of fact, things went from bad to worse pretty fast. I hadn't intended on sharing all of this on the blog, but the more time has gone by, the more I have felt led to explain what's been going on, with the hopes that someone out there needs to hear this story.

On Sunday, April 18, I fell down the stairs at my parents' house, injuring my tail bone something awful. The next morning, I discovered I was spotting. You see? I was nearly 9 weeks pregnant with a new little Davidson baby. We had yet to share our good news with the family, with our church, with you guys. And now this. After rushing back home for an emergency ultrasound, we learned that our baby had passed away about a week and a half earlier. It was a horrible, horrible discovery. A horrible reality.

I went home, devastated, deciding to wait to miscarry on my own. Exactly one week after the fall on Sunday, April 25, the process began. But it was nothing like I had expected. In fact, I was totally unprepared. It was overwhelming and scary and horrifically traumatic. By about 11:30 p.m. Sunday night I had passed out several times, turning blue the last time, which prompted my very worried husband to call 911. One ambulance ride to the ER later, I found myself in the hospital faced with the decision to either have emergency surgery and blood transfusions NOW or to wait five hours to see my own doctor. Exhausted and scared, Paul and I decided to wait it out. I did end up needing the surgery, but it was such a relief to have it done by my own doctor who had made CERTAIN that it was necessary first. (Let's just say the whole ER episode was in a word: unsettling.)

It was a whirlwind experience, awful in so many ways. And now? I am home, left heartbroken and physically VERY weak (due to extremely low blood counts). I am just so, so tired. But I am also calm. I have a source of strength and peace like no other. I have THE only true source. Sometimes it takes some tough stuff in life to really make our hearts tender again so we can finally worship with our whole selves. And I am just so grateful and blessed to be worshiping the Lord with my life, even when things aren't going my way. So as I gaze at this young rose, I am truly filled with hope. One thing I know on this day is that this little rose bud already contains everything it needs to open up into a gorgeous yellow rose. God gave it these essentials. And then, He was (and IS) faithful to provide it the sun and the rain in all the right amounts according to this one flower's needs. There WILL be a rose. And it WILL be beautiful and a testament to His love for detail.

Y'all, I've been through it over the past couple of weeks. I've run the gauntlet of physical and emotional extremes, and I've lived through it only by the grace of God. I've been so blessed by friends bringing flowers and meals, by people offering to help out. I've even been able to go on a little getaway with Paul this weekend. And it's been so needed. Granted, I'm a little scarred. My arms are bruised from all the needle sticks, my body will need lots of time to recover from an invasive surgery, I get winded and lightheaded easily and get a lot of headaches as my body tries to "work" with much less blood, and my heart. is. tender. with the daily thoughts of our sweet baby who's already in Jesus' arms. Right now I don't know how I'll ever make it through this trial. But I DO trust Him. I DO know that He will use this hard-to-bear pain to sanctify me. I DO place my hope in a Savior Who loves me and Who endured so much more because of His love.


My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

There WILL be a rose.

8 comments:

  1. I am so, so sorry for this devastating loss and the pain (emotional and physical) that you are suffering. Praying the HE continues to give you strength and peace.

    Hugs.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what else to say. There are many mourning with you.

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  3. oh i am so sorry for your loss and all that you went through..it is so sad. i will say some prayers for you and your family. i have lost 2 babies myself..one earlier on and one later on. the whole experience has changed how i view life in so many ways...i totally understand your story since my experiences were traumatic too and i also needed a transfusion with one...

    i am so sorry.

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  4. Lori, there is not much to say after that. I am so sorry for all you had to go through, physically and emotionally. I do know that what you say about God is so true. When I experienced a miscarriage(very early), I too, looked to Him and He carried me through. He was my "rescue" and will continue to be yours, just lean into Him. I am praying for you - physically, to regain strength, heal your body and for Him to give you rest and peace both in your body and in your mind. Keep lifting your eyes to Him!

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  5. Prayers for you and your family from mine

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  6. i am praying for you my friend. it has always been my hope that none of my dear friends would ever feel the heartbreak of losing a baby...because there is nothing like it in the world...
    but how amazing that God carries us through these times when we simply cannot even find the will to breathe alone.
    i understand. everything.
    i'm sad that we are still too far away...but just know that i am sending hugs your way. i pray that you will continue to be washed in a peace that you simply cannot understand.
    we love you and need a visit with the davidson clan soon.

    mere

    "for i know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
    jeremiah 29:11

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  7. Lori my heart is aching for you right now. I pray God's healing hand upon you and that you would continue to feel His peace and comfort like never before. I praise Him for His faithfulness and for your testimony to it. Many of us have walked this road and you are exactly right when you look to Him for your hope and help. Blessings sweet one...

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  8. I'm very sorry for your loss. God Bless you!

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